Right now, I should be in be in the homestretch of my pregnancy. I should be preparing for the homebirth that I was so excited for… But alas I have an empty womb. Because back in September, if you remember, I lost my baby boy. I wanted to talk more about it right when it first happened. Show you all the amazing out pouring of love and support I got. But I didn’t get around to that, and I feel bad. I really dove into work though, and the new school year.
It still punches me in the gut sometimes that I lost him. I cry a lot some days, and others nothing. I cried Christmas Eve while I was doing dishes, because I should have been huge with child, but I was not. I wouldn’t have my baby in my helping us celebrate Christmas.
I will never get to birth my baby, love him at first sight, kiss his fingers and toes. I will never get to nurse him, watch him grow and run and play with his father and brothers. I miss him even though he was only with me for 17 short weeks.
There are no answers on why this happened. There seemed to be nothing wrong with him. I won’t blame myself because I don’t think there was anything wrong with me either. I will just let it be by knowing that it was just meant to be. It’s not fair that he wasn’t allowed to live, but I will not dwell on the reasons he was not. I will just cherish is memory.
Around his due date, Landon’s Doula, is hosting something called: Womb Stories: A Workshop for Women Healing from Birth Trauma and Loss. I was invited… and I saw it, and I saw the date. And I just bawled. I just knew I had to go, I need to give myself a place to grieve and heal and just sit and be. Strangely I am excited to go, and hopefully leave with something, anything, that will help my soul.
Right now I’m at a stand still if I even want to try to have another baby. I’m scared that something horrible will go wrong again. I realize we need a bigger house. And some other reasons and emotions mixed in as well. Sometimes I feel like Waffles is my replacement boy. I am young though, I don’t have to rush to decide if I want another one. I think when the time comes, I will know if I really want to try again or not.
** I wrote this post over a week ago.. so I wanted to add that I had a super bad day last Friday… See someone that had the same due date posted on FB that her water broke. That the baby was 4 weeks early. It kind of hit me in the gut hard that I should be having a baby in just 4 weeks time. I cried pretty much all morning. Turned off the computer for 7 hours because I just needed to deal with my emotions. It’s better now but still so sad. I am super happy though that she had a gorgeous baby boy who is healthy. It makes me smile to see that!
So I apologize for not keeping you my readers and friends in the know. It’s sometimes painful to put my words down, my thoughts. But in the end I suppose it does make me feel better.
It took me over 15 years to come to terms with my first miscarriage so I totally understand. Love ya Alison!
Lisa from Life with Lisa recently posted…My Boys: Photographs Forgotten, Brothers
Oh man I have a long time to go then. Hugs to you too mama!
I am so terribly sorry sweetie,,everyone has to grieve the way that works an helps you,,I lost my little brother in May 2013,I know its not like losing a child,but it was so horrible,,we were so close,an I ended up getting some help thru a grief councilor,which has helped a lot,I thought I was a strong person but finally had to admit to my husband that I was struggling an needed some help,,will the pain ever go away,no,but I can deal with it better,whatever works for you is what you need to do,doesnt matter what worked for someone else,it is what will help you,so do what you feel you need to do to get some help,God Bless Vickie
I am so sorry Vickie. I can’t imagine losing someone that close to me. Sometimes I think it’s worse than I went through, you grew up with your brother, he was a apart of your life for a long time. So I am sorry for your loss as well!!!
that was May 2012
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what you’re going through so I can’t offer any words of wisdom, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you so much Angela! Your kind words help a ton!
I’m so sorry Alison. I have had 3 losses and I know how it can just hit hard sometimes, and the first pregnancy after a loss is a difficult one, but can also be the healing you need. At least for me it was. (((hugs)))
Sheri recently posted…Our Week in Pictures, Week 2 #photoaday
Isn’t it scary though? I think I’m going to be a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy if I have another one. Though I already did pick out a new boy name if I have another boy. So I guess it is in the back of my mind that I really want another one hah.
I’m glad you are able to talk about now. I have been praying for you and hope that time helps heal your wounds. (((hugs)))
Thank you so much Andrea! Hopefully we get to see each other soon so I can get a real hug from you! I miss you!!
Alison, I too have had a recent loss, in July, and I wanted to thank you for sharing yours – although it is still painful, reading others’ stories somehow helps me feel less lost and alone. I wish you healing and strength. I’ve included the link to my own post on my loss.
Louise recently posted…October 15 – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
That’s why I wrote my story to start with. Because when it first happened I was searching all over the internet for other people’s stories. Because it really helped me know that I wasn’t alone. I am so sorry for your loss! Off to read your post!
You know I have been in your shoes. Each due date that passes is a day I remember and wonder what they would have looked like now, how they would have grown, how amazing they would have been. It is sad and it is normal to cry and still feel pain from it. No matter how short of a time they were with us, they were still our babies and that means they have all of our love.
Rachel recently posted…Amazon Funny. Playmobil Security Check Point.
Alison –
Thank you for sharing your experience and the depth of your feelings. You doing so, may help many other mothers who have experienced loss. Big hugs your way.
((hugs)) I know exactly how you’re feeling. I went through something very similar at 26 weeks over 10 years ago. The only difference, I got to find out why he died. I’m not sure if it helps knowing or not but there’s no pain in the world worse than losing a baby.
That workshop sounds like a great idea for you. You may need it more than you know. Grieving was something I wasn’t very good at and probably haven’t done it yet to this day.
(dofollow)
Cat Davis recently posted…Step-by-Step Photos | Three Meat Pizza Bread Recipe
I think it’s kinda nice to know why he died. Just not… up in the air?
I can’t wait for the workshop! I’m counting down the days.
This made me cry…I can imagine the pain of thinking about a child that should be almost here, but isn’t. Nothing is worse than something happening to our children, nothing. I’m so sorry Alison, I love you, I’m here for you (((Alison)))
(dofollow)
Penelope (NYC Blogger) recently posted…Resolution: Get Fit!
Thanks Penelope! And sorry to make you cry!! It’s really rough to think about which is maybe why I don’t think about it too much.
There’s nothing to apologize for. In fact, it shows a huge amount of strength for you to verbalize (in writing) what you are feeling and knowing that it’s all valid. I was listening to a talk the other day, which was very encouraging by the way, and they described death of a loved one as the worst pain one can ever know. Losing a child must be somewhere like 100x that. Next time I need to give you a big, fat, tight hug!!!! Much love is being sent your direction and you’re family will be on my mind.
(dofollow)
TerriAnn recently posted…Blingles – Custom Bling For Your Tween or Teen
I would so love a hug from you!!!
I think losing a child that you had actually given birth too is 1000x times worse than what I went through. It’s just not fair that these young lives are taken from us so early. Thank you TerriAnn your words helped a lot!
I am so sorry Alison, I can’t imagine the pain and all the questions you must have. Hang in there, like you said you are stil lyoung. If and when you make the decision you’ll know it is the right time. Don’t think something else will happen though. I love you, hugs!!
(dofollow)
Nichol recently posted…Pull-Ups First Flush Moments Sweepstakes
Thanks Nichol! Some days I feel old so I got to keep reminding myself I am young I am young.
I’m sorry Hun! Losing a child is the worse feeling in the world, I had a misscarriage at 23 weeks. It took years for me to be at peace with what happened. I still think about it ever so often and although i dont burst out bawling anymore it still hurts and im sure it always will but I was blessed with my little ones now and I believe everything happens for a reason. Glad you’re going to the work shop talking to others who have gone through it to is somewhat soothing.
The only problem with the workshop..,. is that some of them there are just mourning their birth. They have a baby. And I’m just worried I’m going to be bitter towards them. I guess at least knowing that this will be with me for the rest of my life… is kind of nice knowing. At least I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve. And I’m sorry you lost a baby.
You’re right there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I definitely grew and got a new perspective on life afterwards. That’s a tough one, I hope you get something positive from going <3
I too wish I had the right words to say… I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your pain. And what a sweet gift! You and your family are in my prayers.
Donna recently posted…New Year’s Resolutions Through My Kids Eyes
Thank you Donna! Just letting me know you are around with your comment is enough for me! Makes me feel like I have support and love so thank you!
I am so sorry you had to experience this, Alison. Loss just sucks. I’m thinking of you and praying the days get easier.
Mandy recently posted…Farm Living Ain’t The Life For Him
Thank you Mandy! I really appreciate it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a baby girl that was born very sick. We lost her when she was 4 months old. I decided to try to have another child shortly there after. It helped me in some ways to deal with losing her. It was very scary during my pregency with my second child. You will know when it is right for you to try again. One thing I do remember is the first year is the hardest. It is the year of “what if’s” and the first this or that that you don’t have your baby for. I promise it does get easier. You will never forget but you learn to look back on that time with a special fondness in your heart. You are in my prayers.
Thanks Tammy. I am sorry for your loss as well. I can’t imagine giving birth to a child… and than losing her/him. Crushing I am sure! Hugs to you as well! I guess I have a lot of firsts I will have to get through!
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, suffered miscarriages between my two daughters. My second daughter I called my miracle baby. I hope the same for you one day if you try again!
I am so sorry Janet that you had 2 miscarriages! But I am so glad you got your rainbow baby as I’ve heard the miscarriage community call them. The rainbow after the storms.
im so sorry for your loss. only time will heal the heart.
Thank you Jamie. I hope time will be kind to me.
HUGS! Sweetie I’m so sorry for you <3
Thanks Amanda!