Right now, I should be in be in the homestretch of my pregnancy. I should be preparing for the homebirth that I was so excited for… But alas I have an empty womb. Because back in September, if you remember, I lost my baby boy. I wanted to talk more about it right when it first happened. Show you all the amazing out pouring of love and support I got. But I didn’t get around to that, and I feel bad. I really dove into work though, and the new school year.
It still punches me in the gut sometimes that I lost him. I cry a lot some days, and others nothing. I cried Christmas Eve while I was doing dishes, because I should have been huge with child, but I was not. I wouldn’t have my baby in my helping us celebrate Christmas.
I will never get to birth my baby, love him at first sight, kiss his fingers and toes. I will never get to nurse him, watch him grow and run and play with his father and brothers. I miss him even though he was only with me for 17 short weeks.
There are no answers on why this happened. There seemed to be nothing wrong with him. I won’t blame myself because I don’t think there was anything wrong with me either. I will just let it be by knowing that it was just meant to be. It’s not fair that he wasn’t allowed to live, but I will not dwell on the reasons he was not. I will just cherish is memory.
Around his due date, Landon’s Doula, is hosting something called: Womb Stories: A Workshop for Women Healing from Birth Trauma and Loss. I was invited… and I saw it, and I saw the date. And I just bawled. I just knew I had to go, I need to give myself a place to grieve and heal and just sit and be. Strangely I am excited to go, and hopefully leave with something, anything, that will help my soul.
Right now I’m at a stand still if I even want to try to have another baby. I’m scared that something horrible will go wrong again. I realize we need a bigger house. And some other reasons and emotions mixed in as well. Sometimes I feel like Waffles is my replacement boy. I am young though, I don’t have to rush to decide if I want another one. I think when the time comes, I will know if I really want to try again or not.
** I wrote this post over a week ago.. so I wanted to add that I had a super bad day last Friday… See someone that had the same due date posted on FB that her water broke. That the baby was 4 weeks early. It kind of hit me in the gut hard that I should be having a baby in just 4 weeks time. I cried pretty much all morning. Turned off the computer for 7 hours because I just needed to deal with my emotions. It’s better now but still so sad. I am super happy though that she had a gorgeous baby boy who is healthy. It makes me smile to see that!
So I apologize for not keeping you my readers and friends in the know. It’s sometimes painful to put my words down, my thoughts. But in the end I suppose it does make me feel better.